A bug-a-boo or two? Must be Krabby on the case!

DEAR ABBY: Our oldest daughter is being married soon. When we pulled out our wedding album to show her our pictures, my mother-in-law, “Edith,” started laughing and said she hoped our daughter’s wedding would be better than ours was. Then she said our wedding had been “an embarrassment,” and she wished she hadn’t invited any of her friends to it!

Abby, her son and I have been married more than 25 years. This was the first time Edith has ever mentioned my “awful” wedding. My father-in-law tried to shut her up, but she went on and on about how she should have stepped in and “helped.”

My husband and I think his mother should apologize, but she says we are being “too sensitive.” My daughter is upset about it too.

We want Edith to be a part of our daughter’s wedding and festivities, but what kind of role should I allow her to have? I’m still angry and very, very hurt. — Mother of the Bride in Mississippi

DEAR MOTHER OF THE BRIDE: Could your mother-in-law have had one too many when she came out with her insensitive and rude revelation? Face it, had she truly wanted to “help,” it would have been as simple as her volunteering to do so.

While an apology should be forthcoming, don’t expect one. In labeling you “too sensitive,” Edith was blaming the person whose face she had slapped for reacting.

While your wish to have her be a part of your daughter’s wedding is laudable, the role I strongly recommend she play would be a nonspeaking one such as providing “something old, something new, something borrowed or something blue.” Period.

Dear M-I-crooked letter: (don't fake like you don't get the reference) I... don't even know where to start because this brings up a couple issues for me, primarily my love/hate relationship with old ladies. On the one hand, I fucking love old ladies. Betty White por ejemplo. Then on the other hand, we have alcoholic old bitties like your M.I.L. Abbs is being polite in asking, but I'm just gonna assume Doris or Eunice or whatever we're calling her had been hittin the Franzia pretty hard before you broke out the album. I get it, she's old. God knows when I'm that age ima do whatever the fuck i want. That said, she should shut the fuck up. That wedding was 25 yrs ago and if she really had something to say, she should have said it then. Speak now or forever shut the fuck up as the saying goes. But you know, my main question is, why was she even in your house smellin like champipple to begin with? You're planning your daughters wedding, what you need her dirty Depends wearing ass for anyway? Her job is to show up wearing sequins and shoulder pads, hit the open bar with a vengeance, and smile begrudgingly in the pictures. Thats it. Her opinion is neither needed nor requested. My advice: Remind her that yes your wedding was tacky it was the 80s that was the point and then show her that part in the legion trailer where they shoot that old lady who's mouthin off and climbing the walls. This is America and that is how we deal with uppity elders. Bitch best recognize.

DEAR ABBY: My older brother, “Gabe,” 51, lives in another state. He calls me and my other brother often, asking our advice and opinions on everything — work, parenting and his relationships.

What concerns me is that after torturing my brother and me for hours at a time, Gabe then calls our 70-year-old mother.

Despite our requests for him to stop burdening us all, especially Mom, Gabe persists. Mom doesn’t want to hurt his feelings, but she’s reached her limit.

Gabe sought professional help a few years ago, when he was having the same problem with a different woman. After three years of therapy his therapist — a priest — refused to treat him because it seemed like Gabe wasn’t listening.

What can Mom do to get some peace but spare his feelings? I believe my brother has an emotional disorder, but he refuses to get help or take medication. — Overwhelmed

DEAR OVERWHELMED: Gabe may indeed have an emotional problem. He may also be self-centered and in love with the sound of his own voice.

You and your brother need to impress upon your mother that her health must come first. And she needs to impress upon Gabe that her bedtime is (blank) p.m. and she will not stay up beyond that time. If necessary, she should unplug her phone.

As long as Gabe has you, your brother and your mother to drain to the point of exhaustion, I hope you realize he won’t seek the professional help he needs, so all of you need to finally draw the line.

Dear Damn Your Phone Bill Must Be Straight Up Redonkulous: 

Ugh, is there any problem DC can't solve? Anyway. Yeah your brother might have enotional problems. Thats right enotional. He might just be an asshole. I don't know, I mean you grew up with him, what do you think? the fact that you mention that he won't take medication makes me think that you know there's something actually wrong and that there is a specific medicine he SHOULD be on, but isn't. No good. Or maybe this runs in your family. I mean, you decided to ask Abbs for advice at all hours of the night. Maybe this is you guys thing.

Now, Abbs being an old lady (see? one of the ones i love!) flipped out over the calling at all hours (which I'm pretty sure you didn't even mention. Abbs... something on your mind? Who is it exactly who's keeping YOU up?) but I being me am going to focus on something else. YOUR BROTHER IS FUCKING CRAZY AND YET HE'S DATING AND I'M NOT?!?! What the fuck kind of world is this? All the fucking crazies are getting laid and engaged and shit and here's lonely ass me sittin up here sane and single. that is some bullshit. Apparently all you gotta do is be crazy as fuck and you'll be headed down the aisle in no time! Alright, enough about me (is that even possible?)

I gotta say i'm also bothered by your referring to a priest as professional help. I'm all for people seeking religious counsel for religious matters. but this isn't a matter of Jesus, its a matter of asshole. Again I think you know this is an issue or you wouldve just left it as professional without qualifying it. (Um, back to me for a second cause i just noticed something... HE'S A FATHER TOO?! SOMEONE HAD CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN?! oh fuck it all to fuck, i'm done.)

Alright lets wrap it up. My advice and in conclusion: time to put the old foot down sistercakes. Tell Gabe to handle his shit on his own and if he can't, stress to him that there are people more qualified than you, your brother, your mother,or even his priest (who should have advised this to begin with) that he needs to see.

DEAR ABBY: I am 25 and have been in a relationship with a wonderful man I’ll call “Tom” for a year. Tom is attentive, caring, funny, self-sufficient and comes from a great family. In short, he’s everything a woman says she wants.

So why do I still constantly look at other men? I always worry that there’s someone better-suited to me and that I’m just settling. Tom is definitely the best man I’ve ever met, and he would make a wonderful husband and father one day. So, how do I learn to appreciate what I have? — Wandering Eye in Buffalo, N.Y.

DEAR WANDERING EYE: Tom may be everything a woman says she wants, but your intuition may be telling you that he isn’t what YOU want. Ask yourself what quality Tom is lacking that causes you to look at other men with an eye to trading up, because until you figure that out, you will never be satisfied.

Dear Cheting Wif Ur Eyezz: Abbs is wrong. Just flat out wrong. There is nothing wrong with Tom and he's certainly not lacking anything. The problem is you. I think there's a couple things that could be going on here. First, you're 25. You may feel like 25 is too young to settle down. Abbs is like 94 so that would never occur to her (generational thing. great depression and all). Second, you might have issues with monogamy. Sounds like you aren't looking at other men for their qualities, just their packages. It also bothers me that in all the things you say Tom is, attractive isn't one of them. What up with that, girl? You do think he's attractive, right? right?

Anyway, whatever the issue, figure your shit out and talk to Tom about it. You owe it to him to be honest instead of solving your issues by masturbating furtively in the bathroom with visions of the hot mailroom clerk (best i could do) dancing in your head.

Write Dear Abby at DearAbby .com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069. Dear Abby runs Monday through Saturday.

Ew. abbs is in LA? Guess she's part of that liberal media elite i've been hearing about. 

Oh, you know what this is... ITS DEAR KRABBY BITCHES!! welcome to the 010

DEAR ABBY: I rent my own apartment and my family lives an hour's drive away. My boyfriend of one year, "Mac," lives about 10 minutes from me and spends the night a few times a week and vice-versa.

I got the flu last month and it developed into bronchitis. I was so sick I could barely drag myself out of bed. I asked Mac to come over and take care of me and he said, "No, I don't want to get sick. I'll come by when you're better."

Abby, if someone cares about you, don't you think he should help out -- maybe make some soup, give you water at your bedside and just be there in general? If Mac got sick like that, I would go over and take care of him. But he wasn't willing to do the same. He said he doesn't feel it is "his job."

I am upset by this. Is it an indication of how he would be if we got married? -- IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

DEAR IN SICKNESS: Yup. It appears Mac isn't the nurturing kind. However, if he has everything else you're looking for in a man, this needn't be a deal breaker. Instead of expecting him to intuit what you need, try telling him what you want. Example: "Send some soup over." "Please empty the trash." "Call an ambulance." You get the idea. If that doesn't do the trick, then scratch Mac.

Dear Infected Host Body: Oh, you know what? This is not a fitting question. I thought it was, but actually no. You know your boyfriend is bullshit ridiculousness. You know it, but you'd rather not be alone so you put up with his shit. Not his job to come over and help you? No, it's not but thats not why we help people we care about. We help them cause we care about them and if we don't they probably won't have sex with us. Clearly Mac doesn't ascribe to this way of thinking. I suggest either introducing him to this philosophy and telling him to not bother coming over when you're well. His sorry ass is no longer needed. Diagnosis (murder?): Dump him, invest in dildo. Get better sweetums.

DEAR ABBY: Please settle a dispute between my wife and me. One of her co-workers, "Cassie," is eight months pregnant and also overweight. My wife saw her and said, "Wow, you've gotten as big as a house!"

Cassie told her she was hurt by the comment. In my wife's opinion, what she said is not uncommon when said to a pregnant woman and she thinks Cassie was overly sensitive. I believe the comment was inappropriate. What do you think? -- NEEDS A MEDIATOR, GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR NEEDS A MEDIATOR: I agree with you. No one -- pregnant or not -- wants to be told she resembles an orca, and your wife should have kept her observation to herself.

Dear... You: I disagree with Abbs, but only slightly. I think her comment could have been just fine but it all depends on the context. If she's friends with this woman and said it in a joking tone, i see no problem telling a pregnant woman who everyone knows is gaining weight, that shes gaining weight. On the other hand, if she doesn't really know her then your wife is kinda being a bitch. obviously its tres declase to roll up on someone you don't know and be like GRRRL YOU BIG AS A MU'FUCKA and if thats what your wife did then she's tacky and she knows it. Thus, obviously, she should clap her hands.

so... been away a while. its a new year kids and i'm gonna try to get this on some sort of regular schedule, but be advised: like a really triflin husband I make few promises and keep even less. wanna get married? We can have our reception at outback steakhouse and have subway cater that shit.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

wow. letters for all occasions. i can't be the only one wondering how many occasions could possibly call for a letter, right? and, aren't the five homemakers in the country still writing letters also all readers of Abbs? Won't they recognize your poorly customized and clearly stolen Abbs letter thanking them for that fruitcake? thats gonna be one awkward church brunch come sunday

Frsh order of advice,with sides of Ms. Ke and Ms. Younce

DEAR ABBY: I am a 45-year-old single woman. My best friend, "Gavin," and I have known each other since I was 3. We were raised together and consider ourselves like brother and sister. We have always had a strictly platonic friendship.

Gavin is married to a wonderful woman, "Evie," who is also a friend of mine. Until recently, Gavin and Evie took frequent trips on his touring motorcycle. But because of a physical disability, Evie can no longer ride with him.

Gavin's police department recently held a charity motorcycle ride to a state landmark two hours away. Evie suggested I might enjoy going along and experiencing what a ride is like. I did, and had a wonderful time.

Since then, I have learned that several people have been spreading rumors that Gavin and I are having an affair because I was seen on the motorcycle with him. Evie says not to worry about it, but my feelings are hurt, and I feel my reputation is being tarnished. Why can't friends go on a motorcycle trip without rumors being spread? And how do I handle this? -- UNEASY RIDER IN MYRTLE BEACH

DEAR UNEASY: In a community where small minds dwell, there is always a rumor mill and gossips who make assumptions about things they know nothing about. How to handle it? Hold your head high and ignore it.

DEAR MYRTLE:

You know... i think Kelis said it all.

DEAR ABBY: My 8-year-old granddaughter has posed a question that stumped me, and I hope you can help with an answer: Why be neat and well-groomed?

She doesn't care what people think of how she looks. She sees no problem wearing clothes that are torn, etc. I am concerned that by the time she reaches adolescence she won't care how she looks when she leaves the house.

Her hair is extremely curly. It can't be combed or it gets wilder and frizzier, which adds to her unkempt appearance. Her hair may improve as she gets older if she's motivated to spend the extra time.

I am challenged by her question. How can I answer her? -- LOST FOR WORDS IN FLORIDA

DEAR LOST FOR WORDS: Please stop trying to have an adult conversation with an 8-year-old. Where is this child's mother? Why is she permitted to go around in "torn, etc." clothing? It's time to talk to your son or daughter about helping their child with her grooming. The way your granddaughter looks is not only a reflection on herself, but also the adults whose responsibility it is to care for her. While she may not care how she looks, her parents should.

DEAR OLD BITTY: OK, Abbs breezed right over this but i'm gonna get into it because its the first thing that really caught my eye. Did you really just say that your granddaughter's curly hair adds to her "unkempt appearance"? What the fuck? Her hair is as it is and letting it exist in it's natural state doesn't make her look filthy you outdated cow, it makes her look like her. You can't make her feel bad about the way she is, it's a shit thing to do. 

Next, why the fuck don't you have answer to this? How old are you? Really you don't know why people shouldn't look like vagrants? Fine, Abbs won't handle you, but thats why I'm here. we bathe ourselves and dress like we have some class so that people won't judge us... or actually so that people do judge us. I take what i hope is a healthy interest in my appearance and I do so so that when bitches look at me they know i'm better than them. this 8 yr old may not care now but wait till her classmates call her uncoordinated, classless and dirty. bet she'll give a shit then. 

and i have to agree with miss A.B., where is this girls mama? because its true, her appearance at this stage in her life has a lot to do with how people judge YOU. and you should tell her. be like 'if you look like an extra from Newsies, the gramms gets people laughing at her, you don't want that do you?' Guilt is perfectly acceptable in this situation, in fact its mandatory. When are you going to learn? She's a child, she has no rights! You're old as fuck and what you say goes and frankly, asking her not to wear ripped clothes isn't the most unreasonable request. get that bitch in line! then get her into the shower, i can smell that shit from here.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a guy, "Casey," for three years. I have two children by another man, and Casey took them on as if they were his. They even call him "Daddy." I'm grateful I have someone who takes such good care of my kids. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

There's just one problem. Casey has a hard time keeping a job. He has had more than a dozen jobs during the last three years. The only income we have is mine, and it's not very much. We struggle quite a bit, and we fight about money. Things would be better if Casey would get a job and keep it, but I can't get him to understand that. Sometimes I feel like he's using me.

I want to stay with Casey, but now and then I also think I'd be better off if I left him. What can I do to make him understand that he needs to keep a job? Or, because I love him, should I stand beside him no matter what? -- BREADWINNER IN OHIO

DEAR BREADWINNER: If Casey doesn't understand after three years that you need an equal partner in the relationship, I doubt you'll ever get that message through to him. As it stands, you appear to have a live-in baby sitter "with benefits." Add to that the fact that on some level you sense you are being used and would be better off without him, and I conclude that day care would not only be less expensive, it would also provide you a chance to meet a man who's willing to pull his own weight. Right now it appears you have three dependents.

DEAR CRUMBELLINA: Yeah... i'm conflicted. I mean on the one hand, if you feel not good about a relationship and you've exhausted your options in fixing it you should ditch the bitch. On the other hand, if after three years you're still with him he must be crazy sexy and good in the sack. Lazy no-accounts are always so fucking sexy. 

i think in the end i'd have to say... give it one more go (as liz lemon says: 'talk it out, before you walk it out'. she's my advice icon. people with fucked up lives give the best advice! ex A: me!). impress upon him how important it is that he get (and keep!) a job. i know you like him, but this is ridiculous. He's a grown fucking man, get a fucking job! There are babies involved and they deserve better than his bullshit. and you know what? if he can't get it together. i'm sure i could recommend some fantastic vibrating replacements for his lazy ass.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I both work two jobs, and we have raised three wonderful children. Over the years we have watched our friends build bigger and bigger homes, drive fancy cars and take extended trips to exotic locations while my husband and I work paycheck to paycheck.

What bothers me is that many of my girlfriends were "gold diggers" who stole wealthy men from other women, and some of the men seem to make money by doing illegal things. They're all living high on the hog while I dodge bill collectors.

I thought I was making good decisions and being morally responsible, but apparently the "nice guy/nice gal comes in last." When do these people get what's coming to them, and when do I get a break? -- NICE GAL IN OHIO

DEAR NICE GAL: How about starting right now? Start by shedding those people from your life whom you find morally reprehensible and look for some whose values more closely resemble your own. And instead of obsessing about others "getting what's coming to them," concentrate on improving your own life.

If you're dodging bill collectors, find a credit counseling agency to help you deal with them. It won't happen overnight, but things will improve as you get your financial life in order. Find a credit counseling agency that is approved by your Better Business Bureau or affiliated with the National Foundation for Credit Counseling or the Association of Independent Consumer Credit Counseling Agencies.

DEAR POBRECITA: Yeah that whole last paragraph was crazy useless, huh. Here's the deal, girl. Don't go to jail. What you need is a job with some growth potential. If you don't see yourself runnin shit within 5 years, thats a job you don't need. You need something where you can progress, no more dead end shit. Paycheck to paycheck is no fucking game and with babies too? not alright. As a favorite group of mine once said: 'if your job aint payin right, shut it down". As far as the gold diggin bitches and them drug dealers, I refer you to the video by kelis above. Thats not your life, and thats because thats not who you are and thats alright. You ahve to be true to you, and I'm willing to bet in your time, you had some gold digging opportunities and you chose a different life for yourself, love that! Own it and love it because thats who you are. It's time to stop thinking bout them ho's and thinking about your children's college funds. So dust off that resume and get a pantsuit from TJ Maxx, it's time to hit the interview circuit.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

I'm gonna stick to my guide on vibrators with testimonials included. maybe one day, me and Abbs will be close enough friendos that we can do a two for one! here's hoping! xoxo, gossip girl

herpes and handouts. this is dear krabby. shall we?

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I agreed to help her sister and our niece by allowing them to stay with us in our home due to financial hardship on their part. They pay only their share of the utilities; no rent is included. We have recently learned that they're not really having a financial problem. My sister-in-law lied to us about their situation. In fact, she makes more money than I do, and she's putting half her earnings into her retirement investment account. What is the right way to approach this problem? -- DECEIVED IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR DECEIVED: Your sister-in-law's behavior is reprehensible. As I see it, you have a couple of choices. You can take the indirect approach by clipping this letter, attaching it to a large piece of paper and printing on it, "You have three days to make other living arrangements," and leaving it on your sister-in-law's pillow. Or the direct one, which would be to tell her that the jig is up, she's no longer welcome under your roof, and you want her and her daughter to pack their bags immediately.

dear decieved: you know why I love abbs? she is really the greatest. she was so nice to give you two ways to handle this situation and she is so right. there are definitely many ways to solve this problem, but i look at it like this. you have been given a great and truly amazing gift: a reason to completely and totally flip the fuck out all over another person. believe me, i am always in favor of the direct approach and this one has the potential to take the motherfuckin cake. so, if you ask my advice (which you didn't), i would handle it thusly.

One evening, you and your wife should have a nice sit down dinner with babycakes and her daughter. it should be something very very fancy like a roast or a pig with an apple in its mouth. break out the fine china and the good wine and i mean spare no expense. and you sit down and you make some small talk but it should feel a little awkward. there should be a little tenseness to the air. and then when the moment is right you should look her in the eye and just say, real nice and even and quiet "get the fuck out of my house you lying bitch" and she's gonna give it a second and go "...what?" and that my friend is when you get to lose your fucking mind. i want screaming, i want dishes thrown, i want the apple in HER mouth. i want that dining room looking like a war zone. i want this:

if this doesn't require years of therapy to get over, then you haven't done it right. one so rarely gets the opportunity to really go off the rails, enjoy it while it lasts.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a teacher who is concerned by the trend of families displaying caricatures of their family members, along with the names, on the back of their car windows. Some of them not only list every child's name, but also the name of the family pet!

While this may seem cute, it is also advertising personal information to complete strangers. Anyone could approach your children, call them by name, convince them they know the family, and then kidnap them or worse. Why wouldn't they trust someone who even knows their dog's name?

Please print this to raise awareness among parents who may not realize the consequences of such a thoughtless action. -- CONCERNED TEACHER, YORBA LINDA, CALIF.

DEAR CONCERNED TEACHER: Consider it done.

Dear teachercakes: a) abbs, good going on this. thats some really good pro-bono charity work you're doing. 

b) i was all set to flip out on you lady (?) because i hate it when people are paranoid and think the whole world is out to get them. that shit bugs. part of it is the arrogance of thinking anybody gives enough of a shit about you to want to hurt you. i mean really? really somebody's gonna steal your identity? well how flattering for you that they want your credit. and really? really that person walking behind you is following you? or is it just that they're going the same direction as you. they probably haven't even noticed you because they have a life of their own, the world does not revolve around you. the other reason i hate that way of thinking is that it gives people a reason to live in fear and people fucking LOVE living in fear. if you give anyone a reason to hide they will take that shit and change their entire fucking lives to escape a threat they don't even know exists. that is why i hate people. but then i thought about it, and you know what? 

c) kids are stupid and you are absolutely right. if some dude knows the dogs name, theyre gonna be all about it and i hate when shit happens to kids. so i join with abbs on proclaiming NO MORE FAMILY CARTOON STICKERS ON YOUR MINIVAN, JUST STICK TO AYSO, "MY KID IS ON THE HONOR ROLL", AND "IN MEMORY OF" DECALS. (seriously, is it the car thats in memory of? ... or like, the back windshield... or like, did they die in the car? did they really love that car? or maybe... they died and left you a bunch a money... so you bought a car? fucking a, what the hell?) also too,

d) those stickers are hideous. really really tacky. so fuckin stop. bad design kills. in fact, bad design kills. 

DEAR ABBY: I met the most amazing guy. He's in grad school, has a job, his own home, loves music, movies and good food -- he can even cook. We exchanged phone numbers, and I was excited about finally meeting a man who could be "the one." And then he casually dropped a bomb on me: He told me he has herpes. I thought he was kidding, but he said: "I live stress-free, so I never break out. Herpes is no big deal."

He left voicemails asking if we can go out on a date soon, and I had to tell him I just couldn't date someone with herpes. My male friends support me, so why do I feel so guilty about this? Is it wrong of me not to date someone because of his STD status? -- FEELING MISERABLE IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR FEELING MISERABLE: I don't think so. And it was OK to be honest about your feelings, so stop feeling guilty. While herpes isn't life-threatening, it is NOT "no big deal." And while the young man in your letter may "never break out," the virus is shed all the time. That's how the disease is spread, and it is widespread. If you need more information, I recommend you discuss this with your OB/GYN or visit the Web site of ASHA (American Social Health Association) atwww.ashastd.org.

dear Feel Miserable: yeah, i'm gonna go against my ole pal D.A. on this one. i really feel like ditching a guy because he has herpes in kinda wrong. i know why you would, it totally makes sense, but in the end it's saying "you have herpes, which isn't your fault, but because you do i find you undeserving of happiness." it seems unfair. now i haven't done the research (cause i don't feel like it) but i think you can be in a healthy relationship with him and effectively minimize the chance of transmission, i don't know, but i think. i would look into that. herpes is, from what i've heard, relatively common, but its unfair to think that if a person contracts it, they can now only date people who have it too. if you really think he's your soulmate, or at least could be, don't you owe it to him, and really more importantly to yourself, to at least try?

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

fuck yes! this is required reading for all high school students. get this into the curriculum now! cause i mean really, who know more about being popular than abbs here? right? there isn't a housewife in middle america who isn't up on the latest column. abbs and oprah, its theyre whole fucking lives. that and family stickers on their minivans.

thanksgiving bullshit

DEAR ABBY: I know it's early, but my problem is Thanksgiving. For the past several years we have included four other families for Thanksgiving dinner in our home. Their children are married now, and including their spouses and stepchildren, the number of guests is now close to 30. I feel it is too many and would like to downsize.

One family is my son's in-laws, whom I consider to be family. Another family hosts everyone for Easter, and I would still like to include them because we're close and we spend holidays with them.

The other two families are not as close with us anymore. We have never been invited to celebrate a holiday in their homes. They could cook for their families, and I feel like I am being used. I would like to tell them, after Thanksgiving is over this year, that we plan to have a smaller gathering next year. That will allow them ample time to make other plans. My husband agrees. How do I do this without causing a rift, since two families will be included and two won't? -- THANKSGIVING QUANDARY

DEAR QUANDARY: Because you are feeling "used," why not draw the line now? If you do, the two families will still have time to make other plans.

The way to handle it would be to say: "This has been a year when everyone has had to cut back, and we are no exception. That's why we are limiting the number of guests we will be entertaining this Thanksgiving. We wanted you to know so there is enough time for you to make other arrangements. The parties have simply become too much work and too expensive to continue."

i don't care. this problem is bullshit ridiculousness. tell them if they don't want to contribute to the meal, they can get to fuck. you know, this reminds me of the times i spent with my exboyfriend. his family had a gathering every other fuckin week and the first couple times i didn't bring anything cause... i didn't think to. i'm an asshole, i know. anyway, after about two times, his dad pulled me aside and gave this (actually very insightful and sort of poetic) speech about contribution and family and what the fuck ever. point is this: if those bitches can't even bring over a pie from Vons, you need to kick them ho's to the curb. fuck em, and fuck your situation. this is some suburb bullshit. there are children starving in... indonesia...or Dallas... or something. get some perspective and fuck off.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 42-year-old female physician. I have been dating an engineer for some time who is currently unemployed. He's a good person, gentle and affectionate. However, he won't introduce me to his mother. I'm not sure why. The subject has come up several times, and he keeps putting it off. She's his only living family member.

Should this raise a red flag? We're both from India and he lives with his mother, which is common practice. -- M.D. IN A MUDDLE

DEAR M.D.: If the man is financially or emotionally dependent on his mother, he may be afraid that she will disapprove. Or, it could have something to do with the fact that he's unemployed. Whatever his reason, he owes you an explanation if you've been seeing each other for an extended period of time. And yes, it is a red flag. Bright red.

I agree, huge banner size flag. I'm not indian, but from what i know about the culture, family is generally really important and the fact that he won't introduce you to her is- you know what? there's a bigger issue here. he fucking LIVES WITH HER. how is he rooming with his mamo and you haven't even seen her yet? thats some insanity. honestly, he must think he's me. i once dated a guy for like four months and he never saw my house. that. is. crazy. and i knew it and i did it anyway, and you know why? cause i'm fucking insane. don't date me. handle it. i say, invite them both over for a nice dinner. you're a woman, you can cook right? maybe he thinks... actually, maybe he doesn't want to burden you with her. maybe she's a crazy crazy bitch and he doesnt want to inflict all that nasty on you. who the fuck knows. point: if you like him, talk to him about it. if he resists, show up unexpected at his mama house with a homecooked pie. fuck him, everybody likes a good pie. 

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of several years has just told me he won't marry me as long as I have student loan debt to pay off. I have always been upfront with him about the amount of money I owe. It's a sizable sum, but my credit is good.

He says he loves me but cannot, in good faith, start a life with me owing that much money. Abby, am I wrong to think that student loans should not stop two people who love each other from getting married? -- LOANED OUT IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR LOANED OUT: No, you are not. And furthermore, I suspect that rather than the money being the issue, it's that your boyfriend has had a change of heart.

that is the biggest steaming pile of bullshit i have ever smelt (smelled?). anyone who won't marry you because of your student loans is a fucking moron. does he not live in this country? anyone who has higher education has student loans, thats just the way it is and if he loves you he wouldn't even give a shit. you know what the real issue is? its been years and he won't marry you. hes afraid of commitment which means he's a pussy and you two are healthy heterosexuals which means theres only room for on pussy in this partnership. honestly. bringing up fucking loans as a reason not to get married is the lamest fuckin- i wish i could talk to him in person cause i hate shit like that. if you don't want to commit to something, dont puss out, just be up front. just say 'i'm not comfortable committing my life to you yet and it's because i have some personal faults i have to work through first'. don't put it on  the other person because they have LOANS. he should be glad you have a college education! i day fuck him and then send him on his way (you are fucking right? cause if youre doing that wait till marriage shit then maybe thats the issue. and he's cheating on you). you're better than that, and realize that this  pattern of avoidance will continue well into his 90s so think about that when you ponder marrying this asshole. 

DEAR ABBY: Several months ago I made a terrible mistake and e-mailed "Tom" -- a friend I had a crush on -- some topless pictures of myself. Tom rejected me because he is happily married. I am married, too, and when my husband, "Jake," discovered the pictures on our computer and realized what I had done, we discussed it and agreed to put them aside and never talk about them again.

Because Tom and I are friends and he was doing some repair work on our home, I have spoken to him on my cell phone numerous times. When Jake saw the phone records and realized I was still talking to Tom, he posted my pictures on an Internet porn site for all the world to see and blamed Tom so I wouldn't speak to him anymore.

Abby, Jake never told me I couldn't speak to Tom. That he made me believe that Tom was the bad guy is upsetting, even though I was wrong in the first place for sending my pictures to him. Do two wrongs make a right? I'm so upset by what Jake did that I don't want him to touch me. In fact, I want a divorce. I don't know what to do. Please help me. -- LINDA IN TEXAS

DEAR LINDA: Your husband was willing to forgive and forget the fact that you were trying to start an affair by sending the photos to Tom. When you "discussed it and agreed never to talk about them again," he took for granted that you would end the "friendship." And you should have. Your actions weren't platonic and were a threat to your own marriage. When your husband realized that the flirtation was ongoing, he punished you in a cruel way.

Two wrongs do NOT make a right. And my advice to you and Jake is to sit down with a marriage counselor, figure out where your relationship went off track and decide, calmly, whether your marriage is worth saving.

oh Linda. honestly? i almost want to tell the two of you that you desrve each other. but lets start with you. you, Linda, you cheated. and i know there was no actual penetration, but babycakes, you cheated and you don't sound particularly sorry. that, sweetie, is an issue. agreeing to never discuss something is not a solution, its a cop out and it leads to repressed anger which can lead (apparently) to your tits being all over the internets. if you must cheat (and i would say, you must not), must you be so fucking sloppy? how is it exactly that you hubby saw the pics? cause i feel like if you'd put any effort into this at all he wouldnt have. did you perhaps want him to catch you? maybe you hit on a man you knew would rebuff you and then made it easy for your husband to find you out so that he would understand that you are frustrated with your marriage. fucked up, but vaguely understandable. but now lets talk about him. unacceptable. fucking unacceptable. your husband, YOUR FUCKING HUSBAND, put your tits in the street. unemployed 45 yr old lames living with their mothers are jacking it to your nips because of your husband. it doean't get much more immature than leaking photos onto the internet. i don't care what you did (and you did some shit girl) your husband is a fucking asshole. fuck him, fuck your marriage. that dickhead deserves to be alone. but then again, maybe you two crazies deserve each other, keeping you together means youre out of circulation (unlike your tits which are in heavy rotation on sheldon the data entry specialist's pron reel). grow the fuck up. fuckin hell

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

hahaha, yeah totes. let me and abby plan your wedding. hey abbs, are you even married? what the fuck do we know about weddings? i say the event hall just off the freeway for the recep and a pikachu cake. wedding dress, try mini skirt bitch. 

DEAR ABBY: I’m a 22-year-old male who has never been in a serious relationship. About six months ago, I went away to grad school and met a girl. We have become good friends. We talk a lot and I flirt, but I’m not sure if she’s flirting back.

She laughs at my stupid jokes and touches me when we joke around, but I think she may regard me as just a friend. I enjoy having her as a friend, but I can’t stop thinking about how I’d like to be more than just friends. Should I take the chance and tell her how I feel and risk our friendship — or let things remain the way they are? — Wants More in New Jersey

DEAR WANTS MORE: Take the chance and tell her. Faint heart never won fair lady. A clue that she might be mutually attracted to you is the fact that she touches you.

If she isn’t attracted to you, you can still be friends — but you’ll be psychologically free to look elsewhere for romance. Please write back and tell me what happens — I’m dying to know.

Dear Lame: ok, this is, like, so so sad. your whole life is totally a logline for a really badly produced low budge romcom starring a poor man's jason biggs. You gotta move up to a bonafide drama if you're ever gonna get considered for a best picture nod or convince me to take you seriously. this question is bullshit. i can just see you now, pickin daisies and shit 'she likes me, she likes me not...'. this is some sixth grade shit. should you tell her? of course you should fucking tell her, that shouldn't even be a question! what is this, dawson's creek? take some fucking control in your life. roll up to her and be like: 'girl, (you should like... put your arm around her waist all sexy like. its gonna be like a dru hill video) i've been thinking about this for a long time. i think you're totes the bees knees and i don't wanna be your friend no mo. we should go to the ice cream social together!' and then it'll start raining and you should kiss her. then, depending on whether or not she presses charges, you'll know if she likes you or not. 

women are hard to read, man. you know what though, so are dudes and if she likes you, she's probably just as confused about your feelings as you are about hers. cause its not like you've really given her a lot to go on. jokes? flirting? why is it that i feel like your flirting consists of, you know, looking at her and giving her some pussy ass smile. get it together romeo. like abbs says, faint punk ass never won fair bitch. and yeah please write back to abbs, i can't finish my script based on your life till i know the third act. ps. oh shit! i just realized you're from jersey! dude you gotta man up or tony's gonna have you whacked! can't have no bitches in the family, kid.

DEAR ABBY: I have just learned that my older sister, “Lindy” (who is currently living with our parents), has been married for two months. I’m the only one who knows. Lindy’s husband moved out of state to take a temporary job.

I know if my parents knew, they’d be upset and would no longer allow her to live with them. Their position is if you’re old enough to get married, you should be financially independent. As it stands, she is currently on their medical insurance, pays no rent and is attending school on their dollar.

She and her husband had planned to keep this a secret from everyone. I just found out, and it makes me sick. She’s getting a free ride at my parents’ expense.

I promised Lindy I’d keep her secret, but I think what she’s doing is wrong and has the potential to hurt my parents financially and emotionally. I am tempted to tell them anyway. How do you think I should handle this? — I’ve Got a Secret in Utah

DEAR GOT A SECRET: You should strongly encourage your sister to level with your parents for the reasons you stated. But do not betray her confidence because if you do, she will never confide in you again. It’s not as though Lindy is on drugs, unmarried and pregnant or in a life-threatening situation. Your parents will find out eventually, and she’ll face the music then.

um...

which is to say... Dear the Pierces:  i completely agree with your parents, although i suspect you misunderstand them. it's not that your old enough to get married, its that you think you're grown enough to get married. if you think you're grown enough to get married, you should absolutely be able to financially shoulder the burden that comes with that. its called being a grown up, you have to accept that actions have consequences. you think you're in love? you wanna get married? then you need to get a fucking job, and you need to consider dropping out of school. sorry, thems the breaks babycakes. but now getting on to your problem. uh... yeah... i guess don't tell em, that'd be kinda a bitch move. plus she really needs to tell them herself. i mean honestly? a secret marriage? who is she, janet jackson? its high time she grow the fuck up and take responsibility for her life. and btw, she's only been married two months and her husband already took a job out of state? yeah sounds like this one is a winner. thank God, as american's we got that whole defending the sanctity of marriage thing down cause clearly the people in this country who can  get married take it seriously.

in conclusion, lindy is the worst fake name ever and your sister's a bitch. don't rat her out, but do me a favor a give her the stink eye till she comes clean. your parents shouldn't have to put up with her bullshit.

A girl and two ladies= FIRST DEAR KRABBY

DEAR ABBY: I am 12 and in seventh grade. I have the highest GPA of my six close friends. Sometimes they call me "Freaky Genius Girl." When I make jokes, none of my friends comprehend what I'm saying.

Right now I am tutoring three of them and often get calls from the others asking me how to do the homework. I like my friends, but I wish I had someone other than my mother to have an intellectual conversation with. Should I find new pals or tone down my abilities when I'm with them?

- Too Smart for Friends?

DEAR TOO SMART?: Rather than try to "dumb yourself down" with your classmates, ask your mother to help you find a special interest group where you can interact with other girls and boys who are also intellectually advanced. Many school districts offer special classes for gifted students. In addition, explore activities where you can simply let yourself go and have some fun - like sports, music, drama or art. You're a bright girl and you deserve some time to simply be carefree.

Dear lil girl: Lil girl, I know i'm supposed to be nice to you, what with you being a child and all, but ima let you know. you're lucky right now. you seem to be enrolled in a school where the kids don't know words like 'nerd' and 'lame' and... 'nerd'. in my day, you'd be lucky to have friends at all, much less friends who give you commemorative nicknames. because let's be real, you're kind of a nerd. and thats great, i like it when the kids kare about edukation, but it means you're going to have to make some adjustments. all nerds go through a period where they have to make a choice. the choice is simple: keep going the way you're going and you're gonna become a full fledged adult nerd with no friends and an unjustified superiority complex (me) or figure out how to interact with your peers (the normal kids). it's not about dumbing down your own mind, it's about learning how to be normal. you wanna be normal don't you? course you do. you live in America, we all wanna be normal. and hot. really hot and normal. with great sex lives. but not you! don't have sex! remember boys have cooties. tons of them. in the crotchtal area.

the point is this, separating you from normal kids isn't gonna make you cool or help you adjust, it's gonna make you insular and antisocial. hang out with your friends. suck up to the cool kids. you don't have to be a brainiac all the time. and get some better jokes. i suspect yours aren't smarter, their just... lamer. 

DEAR ABBY: I always dreamed of having a formal black- and-white wedding. I have four bridesmaids who have very different shapes and sizes. It wasn't easy choosing a dress that would fit them all. I thought I was being fair by choosing the skirt length and letting them select from a few different styles of tops.

One of the girls is now telling me she refuses to wear what I selected. She says it is "ridiculous" to make her wear it, and it will make her look stupid. (They are normal- looking dresses, Abby, not outdated or too trendy.)

She has e-mailed me several pictures of dresses she likes, but I don't care for them. Am I being a Bridezilla, or does she need to learn some wedding etiquette? Should I stand my ground - after all, it is my day - and risk losing a friendship?

- Bride-to-be in Minnesota

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: You would not be a Bridezilla to remind this young woman whose wedding it is. And when you do, tell her you do not want her to be uncomfortable and you will "understand" if she wishes to back out. Believe me, the last thing you need is for her to be pouting when the pictures are taken on your wedding day.

Dear Ready Your Pimp-Hand: I'm sorry, your friend must think she's me. i'm the only one giving unsolicited advice around here! there is no discussion to be had here. Your friend is what i like to refer to as 'a bitch'. Now don't get me wrong, she's probably right. of course the dress is ugly, it's a bridesmaid dress bitch! the only reason bridesmaids are there is to look like shit so the bride looks even better by comparison! it doesn't matter whether you do or don't like the dresses she emailed. it's your wedding and she needs to shut the fuck up and get in line. you didn't ask for her opinion, you asked her to be there for you on a very important day in your life. now, my official prognosis: ditch the bitch. but if you wanna be nice or something i suggest a very strongly worded phone conversation (so you can reserve the right to hang up on her ass) in which you tell her tell get it together or get to stepping. 

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law bought me a pair of shoes while we were out shopping one afternoon. The boutique was pricey, but she insisted I get them. The next day I got a phone call from her saying she had "borrowing rights" because they cost more than she had expected. I was shocked about the price, too.

Now I'm embarrassed and wonder if I should reimburse her for half the cost, which I'm willing to do. What should I do?

- Stepping Out in San Antonio

DEAR STEPPING OUT: Your mother-in-law bought whom a pair of shoes? Unless her feet are the same size or smaller than yours, I do not recommend sharing them. Once you do they will be stretched and will no longer fit you properly.

Because she has let you know she covets the shoes, consider giving them to her. Alternatively, if they have never been worn, consider returning them to the shop where they were purchased. That way your impulsive M.I.L. can get her money back or a store credit. 

dear Ditch the Bitch Pt. 2: first, ahahahaha stepping out! i just imagine you looking so fancy in a full length sequined gown with bea arthur shoulder pads and your crazy expensive shoes and the lens has crazy vaseline filter so you're totally shimmering down the san antonio streets.

or not, whatever. on the real though, is it I know that bitch didn't day around here? she must have lost her mind. you didn't even want the shoes and she made you get them. and then she's gonna call you and inform you that she can take them whenever she wants and strap them to big ass old lady feet? pienso que no. now, i applaud you for having a close relationship with some lady you're not even really related to, but there comes a time to shut it down. now if you wanna be nice, you can offer her some money, but be aware that she is tacky and she just might take it. whether she does or not, thats the end of the discussion. it's time to put your expensive ass foot down. she gave them to you, theyre yours. 

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable - and most frequently requested - poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby - Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

Abbs writes poetry? what?! hot damn, time to break open that piggy bank!