DEAR DECEIVED: Your sister-in-law's behavior is reprehensible. As I see it, you have a couple of choices. You can take the indirect approach by clipping this letter, attaching it to a large piece of paper and printing on it, "You have three days to make other living arrangements," and leaving it on your sister-in-law's pillow. Or the direct one, which would be to tell her that the jig is up, she's no longer welcome under your roof, and you want her and her daughter to pack their bags immediately.
dear decieved: you know why I love abbs? she is really the greatest. she was so nice to give you two ways to handle this situation and she is so right. there are definitely many ways to solve this problem, but i look at it like this. you have been given a great and truly amazing gift: a reason to completely and totally flip the fuck out all over another person. believe me, i am always in favor of the direct approach and this one has the potential to take the motherfuckin cake. so, if you ask my advice (which you didn't), i would handle it thusly.
One evening, you and your wife should have a nice sit down dinner with babycakes and her daughter. it should be something very very fancy like a roast or a pig with an apple in its mouth. break out the fine china and the good wine and i mean spare no expense. and you sit down and you make some small talk but it should feel a little awkward. there should be a little tenseness to the air. and then when the moment is right you should look her in the eye and just say, real nice and even and quiet "get the fuck out of my house you lying bitch" and she's gonna give it a second and go "...what?" and that my friend is when you get to lose your fucking mind. i want screaming, i want dishes thrown, i want the apple in HER mouth. i want that dining room looking like a war zone. i want this:
if this doesn't require years of therapy to get over, then you haven't done it right. one so rarely gets the opportunity to really go off the rails, enjoy it while it lasts.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a teacher who is concerned by the trend of families displaying caricatures of their family members, along with the names, on the back of their car windows. Some of them not only list every child's name, but also the name of the family pet!
While this may seem cute, it is also advertising personal information to complete strangers. Anyone could approach your children, call them by name, convince them they know the family, and then kidnap them or worse. Why wouldn't they trust someone who even knows their dog's name?
Please print this to raise awareness among parents who may not realize the consequences of such a thoughtless action. -- CONCERNED TEACHER, YORBA LINDA, CALIF.
DEAR CONCERNED TEACHER: Consider it done.
Dear teachercakes: a) abbs, good going on this. thats some really good pro-bono charity work you're doing.
b) i was all set to flip out on you lady (?) because i hate it when people are paranoid and think the whole world is out to get them. that shit bugs. part of it is the arrogance of thinking anybody gives enough of a shit about you to want to hurt you. i mean really? really somebody's gonna steal your identity? well how flattering for you that they want your credit. and really? really that person walking behind you is following you? or is it just that they're going the same direction as you. they probably haven't even noticed you because they have a life of their own, the world does not revolve around you. the other reason i hate that way of thinking is that it gives people a reason to live in fear and people fucking LOVE living in fear. if you give anyone a reason to hide they will take that shit and change their entire fucking lives to escape a threat they don't even know exists. that is why i hate people. but then i thought about it, and you know what?
c) kids are stupid and you are absolutely right. if some dude knows the dogs name, theyre gonna be all about it and i hate when shit happens to kids. so i join with abbs on proclaiming NO MORE FAMILY CARTOON STICKERS ON YOUR MINIVAN, JUST STICK TO AYSO, "MY KID IS ON THE HONOR ROLL", AND "IN MEMORY OF" DECALS. (seriously, is it the car thats in memory of? ... or like, the back windshield... or like, did they die in the car? did they really love that car? or maybe... they died and left you a bunch a money... so you bought a car? fucking a, what the hell?) also too,
d) those stickers are hideous. really really tacky. so fuckin stop. bad design kills. in fact, bad design kills.
DEAR ABBY: I met the most amazing guy. He's in grad school, has a job, his own home, loves music, movies and good food -- he can even cook. We exchanged phone numbers, and I was excited about finally meeting a man who could be "the one." And then he casually dropped a bomb on me: He told me he has herpes. I thought he was kidding, but he said: "I live stress-free, so I never break out. Herpes is no big deal."
He left voicemails asking if we can go out on a date soon, and I had to tell him I just couldn't date someone with herpes. My male friends support me, so why do I feel so guilty about this? Is it wrong of me not to date someone because of his STD status? -- FEELING MISERABLE IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.
DEAR FEELING MISERABLE: I don't think so. And it was OK to be honest about your feelings, so stop feeling guilty. While herpes isn't life-threatening, it is NOT "no big deal." And while the young man in your letter may "never break out," the virus is shed all the time. That's how the disease is spread, and it is widespread. If you need more information, I recommend you discuss this with your OB/GYN or visit the Web site of ASHA (American Social Health Association) atwww.ashastd.org.
dear Feel Miserable: yeah, i'm gonna go against my ole pal D.A. on this one. i really feel like ditching a guy because he has herpes in kinda wrong. i know why you would, it totally makes sense, but in the end it's saying "you have herpes, which isn't your fault, but because you do i find you undeserving of happiness." it seems unfair. now i haven't done the research (cause i don't feel like it) but i think you can be in a healthy relationship with him and effectively minimize the chance of transmission, i don't know, but i think. i would look into that. herpes is, from what i've heard, relatively common, but its unfair to think that if a person contracts it, they can now only date people who have it too. if you really think he's your soulmate, or at least could be, don't you owe it to him, and really more importantly to yourself, to at least try?
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
fuck yes! this is required reading for all high school students. get this into the curriculum now! cause i mean really, who know more about being popular than abbs here? right? there isn't a housewife in middle america who isn't up on the latest column. abbs and oprah, its theyre whole fucking lives. that and family stickers on their minivans.
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