DEAR ABBY: I’m a 22-year-old male who has never been in a serious relationship. About six months ago, I went away to grad school and met a girl. We have become good friends. We talk a lot and I flirt, but I’m not sure if she’s flirting back.

She laughs at my stupid jokes and touches me when we joke around, but I think she may regard me as just a friend. I enjoy having her as a friend, but I can’t stop thinking about how I’d like to be more than just friends. Should I take the chance and tell her how I feel and risk our friendship — or let things remain the way they are? — Wants More in New Jersey

DEAR WANTS MORE: Take the chance and tell her. Faint heart never won fair lady. A clue that she might be mutually attracted to you is the fact that she touches you.

If she isn’t attracted to you, you can still be friends — but you’ll be psychologically free to look elsewhere for romance. Please write back and tell me what happens — I’m dying to know.

Dear Lame: ok, this is, like, so so sad. your whole life is totally a logline for a really badly produced low budge romcom starring a poor man's jason biggs. You gotta move up to a bonafide drama if you're ever gonna get considered for a best picture nod or convince me to take you seriously. this question is bullshit. i can just see you now, pickin daisies and shit 'she likes me, she likes me not...'. this is some sixth grade shit. should you tell her? of course you should fucking tell her, that shouldn't even be a question! what is this, dawson's creek? take some fucking control in your life. roll up to her and be like: 'girl, (you should like... put your arm around her waist all sexy like. its gonna be like a dru hill video) i've been thinking about this for a long time. i think you're totes the bees knees and i don't wanna be your friend no mo. we should go to the ice cream social together!' and then it'll start raining and you should kiss her. then, depending on whether or not she presses charges, you'll know if she likes you or not. 

women are hard to read, man. you know what though, so are dudes and if she likes you, she's probably just as confused about your feelings as you are about hers. cause its not like you've really given her a lot to go on. jokes? flirting? why is it that i feel like your flirting consists of, you know, looking at her and giving her some pussy ass smile. get it together romeo. like abbs says, faint punk ass never won fair bitch. and yeah please write back to abbs, i can't finish my script based on your life till i know the third act. ps. oh shit! i just realized you're from jersey! dude you gotta man up or tony's gonna have you whacked! can't have no bitches in the family, kid.

DEAR ABBY: I have just learned that my older sister, “Lindy” (who is currently living with our parents), has been married for two months. I’m the only one who knows. Lindy’s husband moved out of state to take a temporary job.

I know if my parents knew, they’d be upset and would no longer allow her to live with them. Their position is if you’re old enough to get married, you should be financially independent. As it stands, she is currently on their medical insurance, pays no rent and is attending school on their dollar.

She and her husband had planned to keep this a secret from everyone. I just found out, and it makes me sick. She’s getting a free ride at my parents’ expense.

I promised Lindy I’d keep her secret, but I think what she’s doing is wrong and has the potential to hurt my parents financially and emotionally. I am tempted to tell them anyway. How do you think I should handle this? — I’ve Got a Secret in Utah

DEAR GOT A SECRET: You should strongly encourage your sister to level with your parents for the reasons you stated. But do not betray her confidence because if you do, she will never confide in you again. It’s not as though Lindy is on drugs, unmarried and pregnant or in a life-threatening situation. Your parents will find out eventually, and she’ll face the music then.

um...

which is to say... Dear the Pierces:  i completely agree with your parents, although i suspect you misunderstand them. it's not that your old enough to get married, its that you think you're grown enough to get married. if you think you're grown enough to get married, you should absolutely be able to financially shoulder the burden that comes with that. its called being a grown up, you have to accept that actions have consequences. you think you're in love? you wanna get married? then you need to get a fucking job, and you need to consider dropping out of school. sorry, thems the breaks babycakes. but now getting on to your problem. uh... yeah... i guess don't tell em, that'd be kinda a bitch move. plus she really needs to tell them herself. i mean honestly? a secret marriage? who is she, janet jackson? its high time she grow the fuck up and take responsibility for her life. and btw, she's only been married two months and her husband already took a job out of state? yeah sounds like this one is a winner. thank God, as american's we got that whole defending the sanctity of marriage thing down cause clearly the people in this country who can  get married take it seriously.

in conclusion, lindy is the worst fake name ever and your sister's a bitch. don't rat her out, but do me a favor a give her the stink eye till she comes clean. your parents shouldn't have to put up with her bullshit.