herpes and handouts. this is dear krabby. shall we?

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I agreed to help her sister and our niece by allowing them to stay with us in our home due to financial hardship on their part. They pay only their share of the utilities; no rent is included. We have recently learned that they're not really having a financial problem. My sister-in-law lied to us about their situation. In fact, she makes more money than I do, and she's putting half her earnings into her retirement investment account. What is the right way to approach this problem? -- DECEIVED IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR DECEIVED: Your sister-in-law's behavior is reprehensible. As I see it, you have a couple of choices. You can take the indirect approach by clipping this letter, attaching it to a large piece of paper and printing on it, "You have three days to make other living arrangements," and leaving it on your sister-in-law's pillow. Or the direct one, which would be to tell her that the jig is up, she's no longer welcome under your roof, and you want her and her daughter to pack their bags immediately.

dear decieved: you know why I love abbs? she is really the greatest. she was so nice to give you two ways to handle this situation and she is so right. there are definitely many ways to solve this problem, but i look at it like this. you have been given a great and truly amazing gift: a reason to completely and totally flip the fuck out all over another person. believe me, i am always in favor of the direct approach and this one has the potential to take the motherfuckin cake. so, if you ask my advice (which you didn't), i would handle it thusly.

One evening, you and your wife should have a nice sit down dinner with babycakes and her daughter. it should be something very very fancy like a roast or a pig with an apple in its mouth. break out the fine china and the good wine and i mean spare no expense. and you sit down and you make some small talk but it should feel a little awkward. there should be a little tenseness to the air. and then when the moment is right you should look her in the eye and just say, real nice and even and quiet "get the fuck out of my house you lying bitch" and she's gonna give it a second and go "...what?" and that my friend is when you get to lose your fucking mind. i want screaming, i want dishes thrown, i want the apple in HER mouth. i want that dining room looking like a war zone. i want this:

if this doesn't require years of therapy to get over, then you haven't done it right. one so rarely gets the opportunity to really go off the rails, enjoy it while it lasts.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a teacher who is concerned by the trend of families displaying caricatures of their family members, along with the names, on the back of their car windows. Some of them not only list every child's name, but also the name of the family pet!

While this may seem cute, it is also advertising personal information to complete strangers. Anyone could approach your children, call them by name, convince them they know the family, and then kidnap them or worse. Why wouldn't they trust someone who even knows their dog's name?

Please print this to raise awareness among parents who may not realize the consequences of such a thoughtless action. -- CONCERNED TEACHER, YORBA LINDA, CALIF.

DEAR CONCERNED TEACHER: Consider it done.

Dear teachercakes: a) abbs, good going on this. thats some really good pro-bono charity work you're doing. 

b) i was all set to flip out on you lady (?) because i hate it when people are paranoid and think the whole world is out to get them. that shit bugs. part of it is the arrogance of thinking anybody gives enough of a shit about you to want to hurt you. i mean really? really somebody's gonna steal your identity? well how flattering for you that they want your credit. and really? really that person walking behind you is following you? or is it just that they're going the same direction as you. they probably haven't even noticed you because they have a life of their own, the world does not revolve around you. the other reason i hate that way of thinking is that it gives people a reason to live in fear and people fucking LOVE living in fear. if you give anyone a reason to hide they will take that shit and change their entire fucking lives to escape a threat they don't even know exists. that is why i hate people. but then i thought about it, and you know what? 

c) kids are stupid and you are absolutely right. if some dude knows the dogs name, theyre gonna be all about it and i hate when shit happens to kids. so i join with abbs on proclaiming NO MORE FAMILY CARTOON STICKERS ON YOUR MINIVAN, JUST STICK TO AYSO, "MY KID IS ON THE HONOR ROLL", AND "IN MEMORY OF" DECALS. (seriously, is it the car thats in memory of? ... or like, the back windshield... or like, did they die in the car? did they really love that car? or maybe... they died and left you a bunch a money... so you bought a car? fucking a, what the hell?) also too,

d) those stickers are hideous. really really tacky. so fuckin stop. bad design kills. in fact, bad design kills. 

DEAR ABBY: I met the most amazing guy. He's in grad school, has a job, his own home, loves music, movies and good food -- he can even cook. We exchanged phone numbers, and I was excited about finally meeting a man who could be "the one." And then he casually dropped a bomb on me: He told me he has herpes. I thought he was kidding, but he said: "I live stress-free, so I never break out. Herpes is no big deal."

He left voicemails asking if we can go out on a date soon, and I had to tell him I just couldn't date someone with herpes. My male friends support me, so why do I feel so guilty about this? Is it wrong of me not to date someone because of his STD status? -- FEELING MISERABLE IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR FEELING MISERABLE: I don't think so. And it was OK to be honest about your feelings, so stop feeling guilty. While herpes isn't life-threatening, it is NOT "no big deal." And while the young man in your letter may "never break out," the virus is shed all the time. That's how the disease is spread, and it is widespread. If you need more information, I recommend you discuss this with your OB/GYN or visit the Web site of ASHA (American Social Health Association) atwww.ashastd.org.

dear Feel Miserable: yeah, i'm gonna go against my ole pal D.A. on this one. i really feel like ditching a guy because he has herpes in kinda wrong. i know why you would, it totally makes sense, but in the end it's saying "you have herpes, which isn't your fault, but because you do i find you undeserving of happiness." it seems unfair. now i haven't done the research (cause i don't feel like it) but i think you can be in a healthy relationship with him and effectively minimize the chance of transmission, i don't know, but i think. i would look into that. herpes is, from what i've heard, relatively common, but its unfair to think that if a person contracts it, they can now only date people who have it too. if you really think he's your soulmate, or at least could be, don't you owe it to him, and really more importantly to yourself, to at least try?

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

fuck yes! this is required reading for all high school students. get this into the curriculum now! cause i mean really, who know more about being popular than abbs here? right? there isn't a housewife in middle america who isn't up on the latest column. abbs and oprah, its theyre whole fucking lives. that and family stickers on their minivans.

thanksgiving bullshit

DEAR ABBY: I know it's early, but my problem is Thanksgiving. For the past several years we have included four other families for Thanksgiving dinner in our home. Their children are married now, and including their spouses and stepchildren, the number of guests is now close to 30. I feel it is too many and would like to downsize.

One family is my son's in-laws, whom I consider to be family. Another family hosts everyone for Easter, and I would still like to include them because we're close and we spend holidays with them.

The other two families are not as close with us anymore. We have never been invited to celebrate a holiday in their homes. They could cook for their families, and I feel like I am being used. I would like to tell them, after Thanksgiving is over this year, that we plan to have a smaller gathering next year. That will allow them ample time to make other plans. My husband agrees. How do I do this without causing a rift, since two families will be included and two won't? -- THANKSGIVING QUANDARY

DEAR QUANDARY: Because you are feeling "used," why not draw the line now? If you do, the two families will still have time to make other plans.

The way to handle it would be to say: "This has been a year when everyone has had to cut back, and we are no exception. That's why we are limiting the number of guests we will be entertaining this Thanksgiving. We wanted you to know so there is enough time for you to make other arrangements. The parties have simply become too much work and too expensive to continue."

i don't care. this problem is bullshit ridiculousness. tell them if they don't want to contribute to the meal, they can get to fuck. you know, this reminds me of the times i spent with my exboyfriend. his family had a gathering every other fuckin week and the first couple times i didn't bring anything cause... i didn't think to. i'm an asshole, i know. anyway, after about two times, his dad pulled me aside and gave this (actually very insightful and sort of poetic) speech about contribution and family and what the fuck ever. point is this: if those bitches can't even bring over a pie from Vons, you need to kick them ho's to the curb. fuck em, and fuck your situation. this is some suburb bullshit. there are children starving in... indonesia...or Dallas... or something. get some perspective and fuck off.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 42-year-old female physician. I have been dating an engineer for some time who is currently unemployed. He's a good person, gentle and affectionate. However, he won't introduce me to his mother. I'm not sure why. The subject has come up several times, and he keeps putting it off. She's his only living family member.

Should this raise a red flag? We're both from India and he lives with his mother, which is common practice. -- M.D. IN A MUDDLE

DEAR M.D.: If the man is financially or emotionally dependent on his mother, he may be afraid that she will disapprove. Or, it could have something to do with the fact that he's unemployed. Whatever his reason, he owes you an explanation if you've been seeing each other for an extended period of time. And yes, it is a red flag. Bright red.

I agree, huge banner size flag. I'm not indian, but from what i know about the culture, family is generally really important and the fact that he won't introduce you to her is- you know what? there's a bigger issue here. he fucking LIVES WITH HER. how is he rooming with his mamo and you haven't even seen her yet? thats some insanity. honestly, he must think he's me. i once dated a guy for like four months and he never saw my house. that. is. crazy. and i knew it and i did it anyway, and you know why? cause i'm fucking insane. don't date me. handle it. i say, invite them both over for a nice dinner. you're a woman, you can cook right? maybe he thinks... actually, maybe he doesn't want to burden you with her. maybe she's a crazy crazy bitch and he doesnt want to inflict all that nasty on you. who the fuck knows. point: if you like him, talk to him about it. if he resists, show up unexpected at his mama house with a homecooked pie. fuck him, everybody likes a good pie. 

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of several years has just told me he won't marry me as long as I have student loan debt to pay off. I have always been upfront with him about the amount of money I owe. It's a sizable sum, but my credit is good.

He says he loves me but cannot, in good faith, start a life with me owing that much money. Abby, am I wrong to think that student loans should not stop two people who love each other from getting married? -- LOANED OUT IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR LOANED OUT: No, you are not. And furthermore, I suspect that rather than the money being the issue, it's that your boyfriend has had a change of heart.

that is the biggest steaming pile of bullshit i have ever smelt (smelled?). anyone who won't marry you because of your student loans is a fucking moron. does he not live in this country? anyone who has higher education has student loans, thats just the way it is and if he loves you he wouldn't even give a shit. you know what the real issue is? its been years and he won't marry you. hes afraid of commitment which means he's a pussy and you two are healthy heterosexuals which means theres only room for on pussy in this partnership. honestly. bringing up fucking loans as a reason not to get married is the lamest fuckin- i wish i could talk to him in person cause i hate shit like that. if you don't want to commit to something, dont puss out, just be up front. just say 'i'm not comfortable committing my life to you yet and it's because i have some personal faults i have to work through first'. don't put it on  the other person because they have LOANS. he should be glad you have a college education! i day fuck him and then send him on his way (you are fucking right? cause if youre doing that wait till marriage shit then maybe thats the issue. and he's cheating on you). you're better than that, and realize that this  pattern of avoidance will continue well into his 90s so think about that when you ponder marrying this asshole. 

DEAR ABBY: Several months ago I made a terrible mistake and e-mailed "Tom" -- a friend I had a crush on -- some topless pictures of myself. Tom rejected me because he is happily married. I am married, too, and when my husband, "Jake," discovered the pictures on our computer and realized what I had done, we discussed it and agreed to put them aside and never talk about them again.

Because Tom and I are friends and he was doing some repair work on our home, I have spoken to him on my cell phone numerous times. When Jake saw the phone records and realized I was still talking to Tom, he posted my pictures on an Internet porn site for all the world to see and blamed Tom so I wouldn't speak to him anymore.

Abby, Jake never told me I couldn't speak to Tom. That he made me believe that Tom was the bad guy is upsetting, even though I was wrong in the first place for sending my pictures to him. Do two wrongs make a right? I'm so upset by what Jake did that I don't want him to touch me. In fact, I want a divorce. I don't know what to do. Please help me. -- LINDA IN TEXAS

DEAR LINDA: Your husband was willing to forgive and forget the fact that you were trying to start an affair by sending the photos to Tom. When you "discussed it and agreed never to talk about them again," he took for granted that you would end the "friendship." And you should have. Your actions weren't platonic and were a threat to your own marriage. When your husband realized that the flirtation was ongoing, he punished you in a cruel way.

Two wrongs do NOT make a right. And my advice to you and Jake is to sit down with a marriage counselor, figure out where your relationship went off track and decide, calmly, whether your marriage is worth saving.

oh Linda. honestly? i almost want to tell the two of you that you desrve each other. but lets start with you. you, Linda, you cheated. and i know there was no actual penetration, but babycakes, you cheated and you don't sound particularly sorry. that, sweetie, is an issue. agreeing to never discuss something is not a solution, its a cop out and it leads to repressed anger which can lead (apparently) to your tits being all over the internets. if you must cheat (and i would say, you must not), must you be so fucking sloppy? how is it exactly that you hubby saw the pics? cause i feel like if you'd put any effort into this at all he wouldnt have. did you perhaps want him to catch you? maybe you hit on a man you knew would rebuff you and then made it easy for your husband to find you out so that he would understand that you are frustrated with your marriage. fucked up, but vaguely understandable. but now lets talk about him. unacceptable. fucking unacceptable. your husband, YOUR FUCKING HUSBAND, put your tits in the street. unemployed 45 yr old lames living with their mothers are jacking it to your nips because of your husband. it doean't get much more immature than leaking photos onto the internet. i don't care what you did (and you did some shit girl) your husband is a fucking asshole. fuck him, fuck your marriage. that dickhead deserves to be alone. but then again, maybe you two crazies deserve each other, keeping you together means youre out of circulation (unlike your tits which are in heavy rotation on sheldon the data entry specialist's pron reel). grow the fuck up. fuckin hell

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

hahaha, yeah totes. let me and abby plan your wedding. hey abbs, are you even married? what the fuck do we know about weddings? i say the event hall just off the freeway for the recep and a pikachu cake. wedding dress, try mini skirt bitch.